Photo Phriday: Worse Than a Papercut.

August 14, 2009 at 11:36 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), Photo Phriday | Leave a comment
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Mothering is easy.

HERE’S FOOD.  DON’T CUT OFF YOUR FOOT.  CARS WILL SHMUSH YOU.  SCHOOL IS GOOD.  OK, NOW GET OUT.

Mothering is damn hard.

WHAT FOOD IS BEST FOR YOU NOW?  IS THAT CUP BPA FREE?  GOOD GOD, ARE THEY SELLING DRUGS AT SCHOOL?  DOES HE REALLY UNDERSTAND CALCULUS?  OH GOD, DON’T GO!

Hair cuts.  Easy right?

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I mean SUPER easy when your kid is just as happy as can be…

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…when your kid don’t flinch at the first snip…

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…when he’s peachy holding a wheel to a fake fire engine…

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(WITHOUT A BELT HOLDING HIM IN!)

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…when even that loud trimmer don’t faze him…

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…and he looks this cute with his little man trim.

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A $13 dollar hair cut that took 5 minutes and no tears…

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…from him. 

Turns out nothing about being a mother is easy.  From the no-brainers of a hair cut to the heart break of an empty nest.  Everything pulls at you, makes you itchy and all panic-y.

And melodramatic.

My baby is turning into a toddler and all I have to show for it is an envelope full of curls.  HOLD ME.

Photo Phriday: Drunk Baby and BRAND NEW LAYOUT! W00t!

July 31, 2009 at 11:16 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I have unleashed the crazy, It's OK to be confused... I am, Photo Phriday | Leave a comment
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Do you see that there?  Look around… different, yes? 

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen and Whatever-you-are-over-there to my BRAND. NEW. LAYOUT!

*glitter showers* 

*thunderous applause* 

*giant searchlights*

Eh.

OK then, moving on.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

  • Does your baby drink more than 3 bottles a night?
  • Does your baby have an increased tolerance to formula or your boob? 
  • Does your baby try to suck on other people’s boobs when you’re not watching?
  • Has your baby lost interest in that place he shouldn’t be going into or the box his toys came in or your remote?
  • Does your baby forget that you told him “NO” or when nap time should be or does he have other “black outs”?

If you’ve answered YES to 2 or more of the questions above, your baby may have a drinking problem.  It may be time to provide more solid foods such as diced cooked carrots, fresh blueberries or even ketchup if you’re feeling lazy.  If those are not an option, try to refrain from vacuuming your home and your baby will find nutrients on your floors.  DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR BABY!

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TISK.  Kids these days.

Photo Phriday: Puweshus Momories, we haz it.

July 17, 2009 at 11:20 am | Posted in I shouldn't have even posted this, Me myself I and me again, Photo Phriday, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy), Rewind, The Others | Leave a comment
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A year ago this week, I was an over-pregnant, sweaty, waddley pregnant woman.  I was riddled with fingerprint needle marks and had bumps where there shouldn’t have been bumps.  Aren’t preggo bellies supposed to be round and full and not have a weird flat spot up front that makes you look like you have 2 bellies?  Yeah, I thought so.  Pregnant bellies are supposed to look like this here:

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Carrie and I had a dual maternity photoshoot.  She shot me; I shot her.  Win/Win you see?  Except when in your mind you are a glorious, glow-y, ethereal life carrier and it turns out you look like this:

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I’ll leave you with the ACTUAL ethereal mommy-to-be (Carrie) so you can cleanse your WTF palate:

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And just how are we going to take a group shot… hem-haw… WE ARE GENIUS!

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OK. OK. One of me.  Combo of Carrie and Evan making me look good:

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Photo Phriday: 8 months old. So proud but still dying a little inside.

May 8, 2009 at 8:38 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), Photo Phriday | Leave a comment

Oh my boy!  I love it that he’s growing up but I want him to stay my wittle baby.  He’s growing so fast…

8 months ago:

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WrinkleSmall

And now today:

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Much more hair and a LOT less wrinkly. 

I love you so much, sugar.

Photo Phriday: Psst! They’re on to us!

May 1, 2009 at 7:00 am | Posted in I have unleashed the crazy, It's OK to be confused... I am, Me myself I and me again, Photo Phriday, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy), Rewind | Leave a comment
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Totally Smug.

Totally Smug.

 

 

I was the smuggiest smugger when I was pregnant.  I can admit that.  I’m an even smuggier mom.  (As you can surely tell.)  This is Smuggy Pregnant Amber in Arizona at 16 weeks 6 days gestation.  It was taken by Stephanie exactly a year ago (5 days ago)!  Oddly enough my Mother tells me that “I” was in Arizona when I was in her belly at about the same time of my gestation.  (Gestation is such a smug word.  Love it.)

 

Smugginess during pregnancy is as unavoidable as talking about your child poop as a mother.  As soon as that fetus is in the womb, the smug chemicals leak out.  This is as adorable as baby drool.  Enjoy.

 

Pregnant Women are Smug by Garfunkel and Oates

(or get the full effect here

 

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it,

Because they’re pregnant

 

F-ing son of a gun

You think you’re so deep now

You give me the creeps now

Now that you’re pregnant

 

I can’t count all the ways how

You speak in clichés now

 

I can’t wait to hear someone say

Don’t care if it’s brain dead

Don’t care if it’s limbless

If it has a penis

 

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it,

Because they’re pregnant

 

This zen world you’re enjoying

Makes you really annoying

 

Bitch, I don’t really care

I was being polite now

Since you have no life now

That you’re pregnant

 

You say you’re walking on air

You think that you’re glowing

But you had been ho-ing

And now you’re pregnant

 

You’re just giving birth now

You’re not mother earth now

 

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it,

because they’re pregnant

 

F-ing son of a gun

You think you’re so deep now

You give me the creeps now

Now that you’re pregnant

Love-lay.

Photo Phriday: A year ago I thought I was pretty damn special.*

April 10, 2009 at 11:08 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I shouldn't have even posted this, Me myself I and me again, Photo Phriday, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy), Rewind | Leave a comment

…turns out I was just pregnant.  Like everyone else. 

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I was about 15 weeks along here.  I blossomed pretty early.  This is what I looked like throughout my entire pregnancy.  Hands on my belly and a smug little grin on my face*.  “Looky… I created life.  I’m sustaining it with my mind.  What have you done today?”*  Turns out there was about eleventy thousands of other woman who were blah blah blah… whatever.  Because I created this and they didn’t*:

all smiles

How does that taste?  Bitter?  Hard to swallow?  Yeah, I thought so.*  (Umm, Stephanie and I were just discussing this Scrubs quote and I choose to jack it.)

*It’s not that I think my kid’s better than yours… it’s just that he’s MY kid and sooo much better than yours I wuv him to pieces.  Your kid’s cute too.  Srsly, that kid of yours is adorable.  I love me some children.  I wanna see photos!  Can I have them when they are all little and new?  I like them the best.  I’ll take good care of them!  Nommmmmm… newborns.

Photo Phriday: Happy Birthday to me! (I’m 24 & sticking to that answer)

April 3, 2009 at 7:23 am | Posted in Me myself I and me again, Photo Phriday | Leave a comment

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That nappy-headed child is me when I was who-knows-what-age.  I’m with my very beloved grandfather.  I totally would have uploaded a younger photo of me – like fresh from the womb – but this is the only one I had scanned and taking out the scanner is all work and stuff.

In the last year I gained a son.  I can live with being another year older.  I suppose.

Photo Phriday: if this doesn’t make you say, “Aww” you have a cold, black heart.

March 27, 2009 at 7:48 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), Photo Phriday | Leave a comment

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I know, right?

What you don’t see is him slobbering on my blanket and kicking his legs with wild abandon.

I’m hoping to have some kind of picture that you can totally tell is a nursery soon.  If I have to set fire to a pile of miscellaneous crap in the middle of my living room, I will. 

In the mean time…

Mommy and Me

Photo Phriday: March for Healthy Babies…

March 20, 2009 at 9:09 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I's for reals, Photo Phriday, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy) | Leave a comment

Bitty EvanThis is our bitty Evan.  2 Days old.  Volunteers made the baby hats we received at the hospital, so they were hand knitted instead of the cotton generic kind.  Evan got two… and they were way too big. 

Bigger Evan

This is Evan in the same hat.  He is about 2 and a half months old here.  I had to shmush it on his head to get it to stay on.  I was really testing the knitting limits.

They didn’t have preemie hats at the hospital and I pray that one day they won’t need them.

The cards that were dealt to Evan were great.  He was 4 weeks early and only needed an IV and heart monitoring for a day or so.  Some are not so lucky.  We need to find a way to keep these babies cookin’!  40 weeks and they are nice and plump and all their insides work like a charm.  There should never be any of this or this.  Parents shouldn’t have to lose their house to keep their baby alive.  A mommy shouldn’t have to wait 5 months before she can hold her little boy.  A daddy shouldn’t be scared to touch his daughter’s hand because it may overstimulate her and cause alarms to sound.  Or worse.  NO ONE should have to deliver a silent baby.  There should never be talk of funerals before labor.  A mother shouldn’t die because she gave life to her child.  I wish my husband and I didn’t have to have “I could die” as a reason why NOT to have a baby. 

I know this is heavier than anything I’ve posted here.  It weighs on my heart.  I never say “I was blessed”, because I believe that all those other parents were just as blessed as I was… they just had to have sorrow too… they had to have their hearts broken… but they are no less in love with that child.

Evan was born early because I developed HELLP Syndrome.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why mothers go into early labor.  Sometimes there is no reason why a baby died in the womb.  We need to know these reasons and learn how to prevent them.

Feel as helpless as I do?  We are little people in this big world.  We can all do little things that make big impacts.  Here are some little things:

  • Walk with me and my family in Grand Blanc on April 26th.
  • Live far away in this big world?  There are March of Dimes walks across the nation on that very same weekend.
  • Sponsor me and donate.  Click the box at the bottom of the screen.
  • Share my story with your friends and family.
  • Share your story with me.
  • Learn about HELLP Syndrome so you can spot it in yourself or your friends and family.  It can show up as pain right above the pregnant belly or shoulder pain.  Mine felt like severe heartburn and a backache.  Nausea and vomiting.  Headaches.  A general feeling of unwell.  I was obsessed with knowing all about my pregnancy and I didn’t catch these symptoms for a week!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Photo Phriday: Internet, meet Freak of Nature…

March 13, 2009 at 6:56 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), Photo Phriday | Leave a comment

My son is odd.  I buy him all the cutest and cleverest toys and right now he is playing nonstop with a plastic set of keys… not even a fancy set of plastic keys.  Although, I hear this is normal… the following is not.

Carrots, my cup of tea.

Dinnertime.  Carrots and rice cereal.  Yummy.  Veggies, veggies, veggies.

WTF?Then, you give the boy fruit and this is what I get!  You’d think I’d just slapped his momma.  Or stopped his swing.  Or taken away his plastic keys.

What the hell?  Aren’t kids supposed to like the sweet stuff and not eat their veggies?  I was prepared for that.  Not for this!  Wayne is convinced he’s playing us and making us think he doesn’t like fruit so we always force it on him.  I say, “Touché, little boy, touché.”

You're not as funny as you think you are, Mommy.

You're not as funny as you think you are, Mommy.

Yes I am.  (At least in my own head)

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