September (part hopefully-the-only-one)

September 18, 2009 at 12:39 pm | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I shouldn't have even posted this, It's OK to be confused... I am, Me myself I and me again, The Others | 1 Comment

I would like to start today’s blog post with a big EFF YOU to September.  You’ve really lived up to expectations, September.  I’m not close to death like last year but YOU STILL HAVE A FEW WEEKS.  Try not to be a douche, September and chill out. 

Anywho.  It’s been a while, I know.  They say with depression you don’t want to do the things that you normally like to do.  So that means I love you Blog!  Except today apparently.

Yes, the depression has rolled in with September as it normally does and I do believe I’m handling it pretty well.  Although it’s hard to tell what with family drama and my son’s first birthday and the flu and Evan being sick and my Grandmother’s cancer diagnosis, it could be justifiable white flag waving – closet hiding – exhausting sadness.  Humm.  Let’s just say it’s probably a combination of both. 

I’m not standing in a gray room longingly staring out a window as my dog expectantly holds a leash in his mouth looking all disappointed with his puppy dog eyes.  Depression’s hard to make pretty for a commercial, y’all.   It’s just things inside.  It’s stress and fatigue.  It’s hopelessness in the face of hope.  It’s jumping half heartedly to reach your optimism before you say, “Fuck it” and sit.  It’s disorginization while you’re trying to think of positive steps and you forget your footing. It’s this paragraph: Depression just doesn’t make sense.

September started with planning a first birthday party for Evan.  Joyful, right?  Noooo, stressful!  Who is invited?  Who’s not speaking to whom?  Who the hell did I invite?  Who did I send an invitation to?  Who was a throwing a birthday party for?  Oh yeah, right.  This little light of mine:

3

start

hand

finished

Seeing Evan is like taking a Xanax.  You’re all: WTF was I all worried about?  Everything’s OOooooo Kkaaaaaaaaaeeeeee.  (You should only take Xanax with a prescription which I have.  Or if you really trust your drug dealer.)  Just knowing I’m about to see him lights up the dark.  I’d sell bits of Evan to all the sad people out there but he’s mine and I wuv him and I hear there could be a legal issue if you dismember children and do business without a tax id. 

So then I got a call from my Grandma.  When she was in the hospital she said they thought they saw something in one of her kidneys.  She said they were going to do a scan.  They scanned, they did a biopsy.  She said it was cancer.  She forgets the name.  (This is one of the major suckages about living on the other side of the country).  Then one day I say something about kidney cancer.  She says that her sister had that.  I say, well maybe it’s hereditary.  She says, it’s not in my kidneys.  I’m all, WHA?  Nooooo, it’s in her lungs because of course it’s in her lungs and she told me it was in her lungs and she’s a smoker with COPD and no, she’s still smoking and yes, she can’t breathe and noooo, she’s not going to do this or that because that’s stupid and I need to clean my house and stress out my granddaughter.  I know people die.  I’m OK with that.  She says she’s ready.  What kills me is my need for her to pass with dignity and without any pain.  I hear it doesn’t always work that way.  But that’s my problem and my job is to be strong for her so SHUT UP ME!

Aaaaand then I got the flu.  Swine or Influenza… I don’t know.  He shoved q-tips so far up my nose he could have collected brain and said, “Feel betta, bye now!”  So I went and spent the week watching my one year old while fighting off the flu.  Then of course HE got sick.  Took him to the doctor so he could tell me it WASN’T the flu.  And staying home from work for ANOTHER day to soothe my fevered, sleepy child with Motrin and some good old fashioned naps in the rocking chair.  He had lots and lots of naps.  The good ones where you drool.  Those are the best.

There you have it.  September still has some time to kick my ass a bit more and I’m sure she will.  But October brings fall and apples and pumpkins and leaves and cider.  And hopefully some good times.

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  1. So cute!


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