I’m going going, back back, to A Z… a z…

June 3, 2009 at 11:30 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I have unleashed the crazy, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy) | 1 Comment
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(If I gotta choose a coast I gotta choose the west and if you don’t listen to Biggie then you have no idea what I’m talking about.  You know, the usual.)

Once a year I fly out to Arizona where I used to make habitat and live and stuff.  My Grandmother lives out there and I must see her at least once a year.  No big whoop, right?  Fly out, free room and board, a car at my disposal and she pays for my ticket even… (shoot it’s my Grandma, sometimes I make money out there.  No really, even my FRIENDS make money out there.)  Easy.  Peasy.

Now.  I have a baby.  That has to go on a plane.  On my lap even.  You know, a child that I can’t bind up or duck tape or anything (in public).  A yelly, skwormy baby that needs to eat and poops and spits up.  A baby that will be confined to a 3×4 foot space on his mommy’s lap for four to five hours.  I don’t think I have built up a large enough store of goofy faces (that I can use in public) to keep him occupied and un-yelly for that long.

Certainly there are protocols for this shit, yes?  Because I never hear much ‘tips and tricks’ for flying with baby.  Is this one of those things that ‘Everybody does it, but nobody talk about it’?  Is this a taboo thing?  Am I going to get flame-y comments?

16-avocadoThe last time Evan was on a plane, he was in his 16th week of gestation.  He was about the size of an avocado… here’s a reference for all you people out there that have never seen an avocado outside of guacamole.  Evan was also encased in my womb which, I gotta tell ya, was very convenient.  He had just started kicking a tiny bit, so even if he was throwing a fit I would have never known it. 

  Oh, I’ll know it now.  Actually, not only will I know it, the people sitting in our row will know it.  Come to think of it… the entire plane will know it.  Including the pilots and those birds that fly next to the plane because they want to commit suicide in the airplane’s turbines.  Once they hear that crying baby in the plane, those little birdies are going to go straight into those things because everyone wants to shut up a crying baby.  Crying babies cause suicide and crash planes!  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS??

Do you know what scares me the most?  (Besides the whole ‘screaming-bloody-murder-during-flight’ thing?)  Sitting in the airport waiting to board the plane.  The other passengers will be walking up to the gate all happy-like and then they will see a woman alone with a baby.  At their gate.  They will then slow their walk… and sit carefully and speculatively.  “Is that baby going to be on my plane?” They’ll wonder. “It’s a long flight, will he scream the entire time?”  They’ll sneak glances at me over their newspapers.  They will be praying so hard that we will not be sitting next to them that I will probably hear them.  Other mothers will look at my boy and smile but in their head they will be willing him to fall asleep.  The asleep that lasts four hours.  I’m sure I’ll have my best, “I’m so fucking sorry” look on my face which I wish I was kidding about.  I will take advantage of the ‘if you need assistance boarding or have a small child with you’ advanced boarding.  We’ll sit.  The other passengers will board and one will win the screamy baby lottery and they will be over bummed.  I’M SO FUCKING SORRY.

I’ve gotten some advice.  A new toy.  Bottles for the ascent and decent.  Children’s Benadryl *wink wink*.  But I think I have my plan.  And it goes a little something like this:

I will have one suitcase (Oh Emm Gee, I hope I can fit all of our stuff in one suitcase) and a backback carry-on and Evan in the Baby Bijorn.  For all of you concerned about my shoulders and back:  I know, right?  Evan will be sitting on my lap all nice and free (from paying and from carseat.)  I will have a little bottle of water for takeoff and landing. 

My husband has these little individually packed sets of earplugs.  I plan on having them with me.  You know, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!”  “I’M SO SORRY!”  “WHAT?  I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SCREAMING OF YOUR KID!” “I SAID I’M SO SORRY!  HAVE SOME EARPLUGS!!”  And then they will love me.  I was thinking about clipping them to little packages of cookies, but they might think I laced then with Exlax Adult’s Benedryl.  Which I totally wouldn’t do.  Because, no, I wouldn’t want you to shut up more than I would want my son to shut up.  Obviously.  *cough*

My Uncle has borrowed a car seat and will be taking it and the car to a fire station in AZ to get it installed properly.  My Grandma and I will be going out to purchase diapers and food and formula and such that he will need while there.  If we need a stroller, I will go out and buy a cheap-o umbrella stroller.  He will sleep in the bed with me (ACK!).  He normally sits in a baby bath for baths so he will be taking baths with me in the tub while there (sorry, son… I hope I’m not scarring you for life).  I’m not sure yet how I’m going to restrain him during feeding time.  Any ideas? 

So yeah, June 13th, Evan and I will be on our way to the desert.  If you live between there and Michigan, don’t you worry… you’ll hear us.

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  1. When we went out of town w/Nate (in a car, thank god), I used the infant carseat to feed him. I guess that depends on the carseat (it was an evenflo). Good Luck!


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