Unnecessary Promises

May 28, 2009 at 12:43 pm | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I's for reals, Love and all that other mushy stuff, Putting on Baby Weight (Pregnancy), Rewind, The Others | 1 Comment
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I remember back when you were just a little glob of cells forming in my womb.  I remember clasping a hand to my belly days after that faint pink line appeared and promising you that I would love you.  I would love you like no mother has loved her child before.  I would love you in a fierce way, a ravenous way, a way that would consume me.  I promised you that my life would be for you from that moment on.  I made a vow that I would be a rock for you, a never ending source of strength and love and support.  I wedded you into my life in such a way that divorce from you would be impossible and ridiculous.  A separation from you would null my existence.  Losing you would negate me.  I told you these things to convince you that I would be the perfect mother for you.  I told you these things to convince myself of that too. 

I pleaded to nothing and everything that I could live up to that promise.  I begged that your father and I could love you as much as we wanted to.  We built a wall to protect you even while you were still protected within me.  We threw out convictions left and right, solid principles, unmovable stances on subjects we knew nothing about.  We were clueless.  But it didn’t matter.  It was all or nothing.  We were in it together.  You were going to be loved and cared for to the fullest come hell or high water. 

As time ticked away and you grew I held my breath prayed that I was strong enough to be your mother.  I was hoping that I would slip into motherhood like an old sweater: so comfortable, so right… nothing you had to think about or stress over.  Because it was too late to back out now, I was going to have to fight to the death… if I wasn’t going to win at this, you were going to lose. 

I needn’t worry.

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You exploded into my life and then the dust settled and the shock wore off I didn’t have any choice.  There wasn’t an option to try to love you as best as I could: you demanded it and I couldn’t help it.  I was so caught up… I was overwhelmed and loving it.  I couldn’t have backed out on my promise if I tried.  I wanted to need you, but I didn’t know that you would be my air.  I didn’t know that you were going to consume me.  I didn’t know everything was so dark; I didn’t know everything could be so light.

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I never realised that it would be so easy… strike that… so natural and thoughtless to be your mother.  So weightless.  I never wanted you to feel like a burden, but it turns out that there is no effort to hide.  Sure… I’ve lost some sleep, you’ve cried for no reason what-so-ever, your kicks and pinches are getting so strong that it hurts mommy… but did I ever have to look and you and try to be everything for you?

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Never.

And then I look and see your father and know that there is someone else here that is as embarrassingly hopeless as I am.  I knew that, if there is ever a reason to, there is someone that I’m going to have to contend with if you ever need protecting.  Someone else that needs you as much as I do. 

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What’s the future going to hold for you, Sugar?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’ll be there, in any way shape or form you need me, I’ll be there.  I don’t have a choice.  And you should know that you don’t either. 

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You will always have us… a Mother and a Father, watching over you, protecting you, helping you, raising you and loving you.  We will be your home base and your defender.  And one day when you break our hearts for whatever reason children do, we will be patiently steady… waiting for you to grow and learn.  You will never see our backs facing you.  And we will constantly worry, (as we already do), and you will proceed regardless (as you already do).  And I will know that my promise was kept, however unnecessary it was.

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1 Comment »

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  1. Awwwwwwwws. 🙂


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