My heart is breaking, y’all

April 22, 2009 at 3:25 pm | Posted in I's for reals, Me myself I and me again | Leave a comment

This is not a community I sought out.  I somehow stumbled on a few blogs when I was pregnant.  Really, at that point, I didn’t get it.  I didn’t realize that sometimes the blog is a journal.  I didn’t know people were making friends with each other.  At first it was a sort of guilty pleasure.  I was reading the inner thoughts of a stranger.  They were talking about controversial topics like sex (GASP!) abortions (OMG!) and breastfeeding (BOOB ALERT!).  They were lighting up the dark places and opening up my eyes, my compassion, my tolerance.  

If I knew what I was jumping into, I may not have done it.  I wouldn’t have read.  You see, I have myself a little circle.  It contains a small amount of family and friends.  I love them in a fierce and guarded way.  I give all of me away to them, I keep everything I get from them and try to take nothing from them.  It’s taxing.  Relationships are embarrassing and awkward for me.  I tend to tip toe.  I try not to cross lines.  I avoid being a burden.  In all honesty, I don’t want to be heartbroken or hurt.  Not because someone might damage me, but because I feel it when my friends and family are in pain.  I get pissed for them; I cry for them; I stay up all night tossing and turning.  The amount of inner turmoil that I inflict into myself on their behalf is just barley something I can endure.  I don’t know how people do the whole “tons of friends and family” thing.  I really cannot compartmentalize.  I worry about big and little things equally.  For you and for me. 

Personality Disorder:  I haz it.

Anyway, this community.  These Mommy Bloggers.  I’m not going to call myself a Mommy Blogger for several reasons.  First off, Mommy Bloggers all seem to be:

  1. Well established 
  2. Connected with each other.  You know, either IRL or they are chatting via email/Twitter/telepathically
  3. Post, like, regularly
  4. Did stuff like college and studying, know literature, you know, books and shit
  5. Know how to properly place commas and how to avoid run-on sentences and don’t use the … thing that I can’t get around no matter how hard I try 

Nope, I’m not in their level of existence.  I read from afar.  I silently pat them on the back.  I marvel at the words they string together that makes that bell go off in my head like, “DING!  That’s totally how I feel!  How did they take that tangled mess of emotions and articulate it perfectly?”  I rally behind them, invisible.  I consider their stances even if I don’t take their side.  I anxiously await their next post.  I laugh out loud.  I cry.

And cry and cry.  Now more than ever.  Srsly?  I have some extra tissues if you plan on spreading and sharing the love/prayers/thoughts/comments/views/tears with these wonderful, loving, stressed-out-beyond-belief, heartbroken parents.

  • Maddie.  Maddie was a spunky little darling.  She was a preemie; a 29-weeker.  She survived 68 days in the NICU and somehow her parents did too.  She lived from November 2007 to April 2009.  All of the blogs I read exploded with grief the day she died.  I clicked and cried.  I’ve cried everyday since she died.  I didn’t know her or her family.  I never read or saw pictures of this little light before she left.  A protective circle of friends and strangers alike enveloped them after she died.  $33 thousand dollars has been given so far to March of Dimes in her honor.  People are giving money to her parents for funeral costs.  Angels have gifted NICUs in her memory.  (I seriously want to do this.)  Humanity is AWESOME when it’s awesome.


  • The littlest sweetie is slipping. Kayleigh was a little more than a pound when she was born!  Do you realize just how tiny that is?  She is now 9 months, 4 weeks old.  She has been a NICU baby since her birth.  She has been a strong little trooper; delighted her parents as she jumped further than she was ever supposed to.  She’s been stable with promises to go home soon.  Imagine my heartbreak when I pop in today and see that she may be brain dead.  Just typing that makes me cry.  I can’t fathom her parent’s heartbreak/strength/tolerance…. ANYTHING!  My mind won’t wrap around it.

I could go on and on.  I won’t.  I can’t.  Please just do whatever it is you do.  Pray, donate, think good thoughts, pass it on, pat karma on the head, or hug your child (or someone else’s with permission) extra, EXTRA hard. 

I’m going to go give this one a suffocating squeeze right now.



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