Sex, drugs and “OHMYGOD cover your eyes Evan!”

April 1, 2009 at 11:56 am | Posted in Baby Weight (Evan), I have unleashed the crazy, I shouldn't have even posted this, I's for reals, It's OK to be confused... I am, Me myself I and me again | 1 Comment

Days ago I was watching House (awesomest show ever) and Wilson said the following quote:

It is possible to believe in a thing and still fail to live up to it.

It quite literally gave me pause (cause I hit pause on the remote).  I tilted my head and looked up, (cause I have to do that to think), and thought about that for a moment.  Forever and ever I wanted to be a good mother.  Wanted to, you know, NOT cause hardship/pain/sorrow to my child.  I think I believe(d) somewhere in a dark corner of my mind that it is possible to be a perfect mother.  A tiny troll snob burrowed up there thought that if I tried Hard Enough, I wouldn’t make any mistakes.  I would tell people seeking my advice that they are human… mistakes are made.  I would tell myself that I wanted my child to know I was human and that I could make mistakes.  (Could being the operative word here) Yet, the little voice…

I was panic-stricken in the hospital when I couldn’t get my 4 day old to take an entire 2 ounce bottle because the nurses could do it and am I going to stave my baby??  I’d make a dash to the nurses station hold up my child and whine, “He won’t eat!  I’m doing something wrong!  He ate for you!  Show me before I kill my baby!  Exclamation Point!” She would sit up my child do a little pat on the back and a petite little burp came out and she said, “Aww.. he just had a little burp stuck, Mommy”  Yeah… Aww.  Fuck, I suck.  Or when I was clipping his bitty nails and I almost chopped off the tip of his thumb… I would have downed a cyanide pill because surely I had to die.  I HAD JUST CUT OPEN MY BABY.  If I had one I woulda taken one.  If I wasn’t busy mopping up blood.  So now I tell myself I’m getting all my mistakes out now before he can remember them.  I know… good plan, right?

You want to protect your child but you want them to be able to explore.  You want to teach them to be cautious but you don’t want them to live life afraid.  This blogger got my mind a churnin’.  One of the many things that makes me shake with fear is the sex thing.  I read about mothers (who blog) that freak and tell them to stop and “that’s gross” when their young child decides to explore their body.  Still other mothers (who blog) that patiently tell their child that it’s OK, but it should be done in private.  Is one option going to sexually repress them?  Will the other make make them over-sexed?  And how do you even approach how to approach this because *blush* and *giggle*.

I remember (waaaaaaaaay) back when I was a little girl.  A friend and I were acting out a scene from this Bill Cosby stand up tape.  (There are so many things in that sentence alone that implicates me in all sort of dumb-ass-ery)  Anywhatzit, it happened to be a part where a woman was having a baby.  We knew that babys came from between the legs… how and why did they do that, who cares?  So if Bill is talking about seeing a baby come out and we are acting this shit out like the true, talented actresses we were, one of us had our legs in the air and one of us was looking between them.  We obviously didn’t see anything sexual in this because what’s a Sexual?  While we were deep in the scene the babysitter walks in and FREAKS THE FUCK OUT.  Afterwards I felt dirty, ashamed, confused and scared to look at anyone’s legs.  Because legs where bad.  Apparently.

So are you damned if you do and damned if you don’t?  How much power does a parent have over a child’s sexuallity?  Should we ban girls from wearing midriffs and short skirts?  Should we buy our sons condoms?  Should we tell our sons, “Icky!  Don’t touch yourself there!”?  Should we let our daughters date at 14?

There are no guidelines, rules, cut-off ages or anything posted anywhere on the internet.  These Mommy Bloggers all present good points on all corners of the spectrum.  I don’t wanna screw my son up.  I want him to grow up to be a good husband to a woman someday, (like when he’s 45 or whenever he decides to be with whomever he wants to be with (crap!)), but I also want him to only wuv his mommy.  And be a Momma’s Boy forever and never leave the house… that won’t screw him up too bad, will it?

Total Slut.

I can see your belly button! Total. Slut.


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  1. When I was pregnant, I wanted a girl SO BAD. When I found out it was a boy, I was a little heart broken. Until I really started paying attention to teenage girls (thank god I didn’t have a girl). Now, my biggest fear is him bringing home one of THOSE girls.

    And, yes, we should ban midriffs, as well as sweatpants with stuff written on the butt and thongs, until at least 16. Why anyone would want to call attention to a tween’s (OMG, I just said tween) butt is beyond me.

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